God

Okay, I’m an AAS. I admit it.

No, I did not misspell it.  It’s really AAS.

It’s a new medical condition called Advancing Age Syndrome, AAS.

Some career file clerk up at the U.S. Medical Association ran out of things to do on a Thursday afternoon and decided to create another syndrome.  AAS impacts millions of  Baby Boomer Americans now moving into the fall season of life.  AAS strikes one out of every one American who gets old and the condition is irreversible. In some cases it can be fatal.  The word “old” does not appear in any of their promotional literature or their TV ads, by the way.  They avoided that nasty word on purpose, and I’m glad they did.


The first signs of AAS usually appear as short spurts of memory loss, e.g. searching all through the house for car keys that wind up in your shirt pocket, or scouring the house for your glasses that are, all the while, resting on top of your head.  The USMA suggests using an idiot rope to keep from losing your glasses.

As the malady progresses squinting to read road signs and billboards becomes more common. It’s that squinting that causes those wrinkles, not old age.  Those who suffer from AAS also find themselves moving closer to the TV set to read the channel guide and to watch Lawrence Welk reruns.  Studies show the number 1 best-selling item on both ebay and Amazon among AAS sufferers last year was the giant key generic remote controls.

No one has developed a 12-step program for managing this condition.  No one has yet to form an AAS Anonymous group, probably because no one can recover from AAS.  With the onset of AAS the condition is irreversible. It ain’t gettin’ any better.

With AAS you begin to receive all those stupid emails about growing “old”  from fellow AAS sufferers.  They’re the ones that start out with, “You know your old when . . .”  They all contain dumb remarks like, “When did my wild oats turn into prunes and All Bran?” and “Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.” and “Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.”

The insults go on forever.  AAS sufferers get those emails as regularly as they get gas. The emails are much easier to swallow when you know they come from fellow AASers. Those don’t get to you.  When they start coming from your kids  it’s time to dust off your will and re-think it.

Miller Lite gets replaced by Metamucil. Steak gets replaced by Veggie burgers.  Old Spice gets replaced by A&D Ointment. And the list goes on and on.

The sad part is complaining doesn’t help.   The only thing that brings any relief is acceptance.  Once an AAS, always an AAS.

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