My Latest Invention: Pre-Stained Clothes

I finally figured out how I’m going to become a millionaire — I’m going to manufacture pre-stained clothes.

Every time I eat I spill something on my shirt. My lovely wife, Marie, never fails to notice and spot the spot.

So I figured–why not pre-stain the clothes in the same colors as the foods I regularly eat. That way, when I spill something no one will notice because the stain will match my outfit. If someone notices and mentions the stain I can retort, “Oh, no. This is a my new pre-stained shirt. It’s supposed to look that way.” The true stain will appear camouflaged and will blend in with the pattern of the shirt.

I plan a Spring line and a Fall line to coordinate with the foods of the season.  In Spring, when lots of people are eating fruits and vegetables, the pre-stained shirt stains will show leafy greens and tomato reds. Maybe even some corn yellow or Hidden Valley Ranch dressing off-white. Of course I’ll have three or four shades of barbecue sauce stain patterns, maybe some dark catsup red. I’m also considering designing all shirts as either coffee and non-coffee stain shirts. I know some folks don’t drink coffee, and those of us who do spill it consistently.

But the fall line of pre-stained shirts will be my favorite.  Think of all the rich, colorful foods we eat during fall and winter.  I could manufacture an entire line of soup-stained pre-stained shirts. Everybody eats soup in the fall, right? Sloppy eaters will really enjoy my traditional pumpkin pie-stained design, as well as my turkey gravy-stained design, my chili-stained design, my meatloaf-stain design and, my personal favorite, the sweet potato-stained design.

I’m also planning to manufacture a line of high-end, multiple-stained designer shirts for those like me who spill more than one thing on their shirts during some meals.

Shoppers can pick shirts from a variety of spill patterns. I’ll offer shirts in drip patterns (small round spots), dribble patterns (long stringy patterns that run down the shirt) or spot patterns (in small, medium or large). And my most popular shirts will be the pre-washed-stained shirts.  These are the shirts we spill stuff on that get washed. They always reveal that tell-tale off-color spot. People can tell you spilled something but laundering failed to remove the spot completely.

Of course I will offer pre-stained shirts for toddlers (they’re the worst spillers), youth and adult sizes to 3XX (Of course, the larger the shirt, the more stains in the pattern, and the more expensive the shirts).

Think of it. Sloppy eaters will never have to worry about their eating habits again. Frustrated wives who complain about the spills and have to wash them can relax at mealtime now.

I can’t wait to start production! I’m on my way to East Street with this idea.